 Everybody Scores!
DCKickball Capital Conference
Week One: May 3-4, 2006
Inside this issue:
- The Ten Commandments of the Capital Conference
- QUIRKY RULES for Kickballers Old and New
- Mandatory Umpiring Requirement Details
- The Inside SCOOP on All the TEAMS and GAMES
- Kickball Classifieds and Lots More!
Everybody? ... Huh?
Welcome to
the inaugural edition of
Everybody Scores!, the weekly netletter of
DCKickball's Capital Conference. (Prepare to be insulted,
disgusted, offended, harassed and oddly stimulated all at
once. Also, don't believe a damn thing you read in here. It
is all mostly made-up.)
Each week
during season, Everybody
Scores! will bring you all the news and
information that you will need to have a fun, successful,
safe and memorable time playing kickball and socializing
with teammates, rivals, and "civilians."
Why the
name "Everybody Scores!"? Well,
we like to think that everybody really does score when
playing kickball -- even if they don't cross the plate. As
you'll soon discover -- if you don't already know -- playing
kickball is its own reward, and if you're truly having fun
(whether on the field, at the bar, or wherever you end up
afterward), you can say with confidence that you have
scored! So Everybody Scores! (Yes, even YOU!) ... Also, the
title Hustler was already taken.
Everybody Scores!
welcomes
your contributions -- be they guest columns, letters to the
editor, kickball haiku, or simply anonymous rumors. Send
your stuff to
LSTillett@yahoo.com. Also,
Everybody Scores! wants your PHOTOS! So set up a
website at eteamz.com or somewhere else and then start
posting photos so Everybody
Scores! can get at them. DCKickball also has a
flickr.com account. So don't be shy about contributing
photos for flickr, either.
Look for
Everybody Scores!
to appear on the Web each Tuesday afternoon during kickball
season.
Presidential Welcome
Hello,
everyone, and WELCOME to the 2006 season of Capital
kickball. This is a season of great change, with plenty of
new faces, a new bar, and a new attitude as we roll into the
upcoming summer. To all the new teams and new faces, we say
WELCOME! To all the returning teams, we say WELCOME BACK and
THANK YOU for coming along on this new adventure. It’s going
to be a great season, with thrills, spills, chills, hook-ups
and, with a little bit of luck, a lot of glory.
We hope
you’ll join in the fun, maybe volunteer to officiate a game
or two, maybe check off some names at the door of a party.
... This is YOUR CONFERENCE NOW, and if we all stick
together, this will be the bestest kickball season EVER!
See you on
the fields!
John "JP"
Powers
Co-Captain, Big Kids
2006
DCKickball Capital Conference President
The Ten Commandments
- Thou Shalt Remember That It's Just Kickball.
Don't get all bent out of shape. It's just a game. In fact,
it's just a CHILDREN'S game. But don't act like a child.
Rough play or bad attitudes are not welcome here. Be kind to
your teammates, opponents, and umpires.
- Thou Shalt Not Argue Calls Unless You Are a Captain.
This is the toughest commandment to keep. But remember the
first commandment ("It's Just Kickball") and you will have a
much easier time keeping your mouth shut. Games go a lot
faster when only captains argue calls. If you object to a
call, tell one of your captains. And captains, please don't
argue umpires' ball and strike calls. Limit your challenges
to meatier things -- like misinterpreted rules or the
mechanics of base-running.
- Thou Shalt Not Consume Alcohol on the Mall.
It is illegal to consume booze on the Mall. DCKickball does
not endorse breaking that law in any way. Your all-volunteer
board of directors also does not endorse flouting the law.
If you get busted for booze on the Mall, we all look bad.
Not only that, but your actions put us in jeopardy of losing
the privilege of playing on federal land. That's right. One
booze-guzzling jerk can ruin everything for all of us. We'd
likely get bounced permanently. If the Park Police catch you
with booze, we all lose. Make that your motto. Put it on a
bumper sticker. And then save the drinking for pre-game or
post-game. One more time: DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL ON
THE FIELDS.
- Thou Shalt Not Allow Thy Pets to Wander.
Please keep your pets on a leash. We adore animals, but not
everyone wants Puddles slobbering all over their cleats. And
no matter how well-behaved Puddles is, he's very likely to
get excited when the balls start flying and the calves start
streaking by. No one wants to trip and break his
collarbone because of Puddles -- or get bitten by an
over-excited Puddles ... and then watch as Puddles is carted
away by Animal Control.
- Thou Shalt Remember to Pick Up Thy Trash. The
Mall is a national treasure. It's so valuable that, if sold
to local real estate speculators for development as "luxury"
condos with a view, it would deliver several trillion
dollars into the federal treasury immediately. I mean, do
you KNOW how rare and valuable undeveloped land in Northwest
is?! Again, this land is a treasure. Treat it well.
- Thou Shalt Go to the Bar After Games.
Playing on
the field is only half the fun of kickball. A lot of real
social magic happens at the sponsor bar. So get in there and
mingle. Mix it up! Don't cling to your team. Make some new
friends and expand your social circle. Getting to the bar is
easy. Hop on the Metro or just announce to your teammates or
even a rival team that you are looking for a ride to the
bar. Someone is bound to have room. It's also not out of the
question to grab a couple of buddies and jump into a cab.
Also, don't forget your ID, and don't forget to tip the wait
staff. We're getting good prices and good service, so don't
be stingy with the gratuity. You can find directions to the
bar on
www.dckickball.org/capital.
- Thou Shalt Honor The Rules of Thy Sponsor Bar. Yes,
please go along with the rules and requests of the Ugly Mug
-- even the "unwritten rules." So even though there might
not be a sign that says "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service,"
please keep your clothes on. Even though there's not a sign
that says "No Peeing in the Sink," please don't pee in the
sink. Don't stand on the chairs or the tables, either.
- Thou Shalt Not Drink and Drive Drunk.
Pace yourself. Know your limits. Buy a personal breathalyzer
kit. Bring a designated driver. Take a taxi. Leave your car
and hop on the Metro. Go bunk up with a Marine over at the
barracks. With all these options, there's no need for you to
get plowed and then hop behind the wheel. It's like we
always say: The more dead players you have on your team, the
harder it will be for you to win games.
- Thou Shalt Not Drink to Excess and Puke All Over Us as You
Futilely Attempt to Make Your Way to a Bathroom That We All
Know You Will Never Reach.
Again, check yourself before you wreck our shoes by vomiting
all over them. A good evening is often ruined by some jerk
who can't hold his liquor. Let that jerk be someone else ...
at another bar.
- Thou Shalt Volunteer.
Our conference works because WE make it work. The business
known as DCKickball gets us all registered and makes sure we
have shirts, equipment, and a sponsor bar. But most
everything else is left up to us, the PLAYERS. WE, the
players ourselves, must provide and coordinate field
squatters and umpires. WE the
players must come up with our playing schedule and keep
track of our equipment. WE the players decide how to spend
our social budget. WE the players must find a charity to
support. And when we say "WE," we mean "YOU." So please
volunteer. We have several committees just
waiting for a new member like you! To get involved, e-mail
any member of your board of directors. (More information
below.)
Weather Policy: Rain Schmain
Just
because some rain has fallen on the Mall or just because
some clouds are rolling in or just because it's raining in
Bethesda, that doesn't mean the games are off. We will be
playing chicken with Mother Nature many weeks during the
season. Most of the time, she's gonna swerve. The rain on
the Mall will dry up fast. The threatening clouds will blow
north. The rain in Bethesda will come down in buckets while
the Mall stays dry as a bone.
This is weird weather country.
So don't assume the worst. Assume the best.
Show up ready to play kickball. And if you get to the fields
and the rain really is bad on the Mall, just go straight to
the bar. (We'll always go to the bar no matter what!)
If we do
need to cancel due to rain, your board of directors
will post rainout notices on the website by 5 p.m. on game
days. If you check the site and there's no notice
of a rainout, that means that the GAMES ARE ON! So head to
the fields and weather be damned!
Note:
Games in progress will always be called off if lightning is
seen or if the fields become to sloppy and unsafe to play
on.
The Power of Volunteering: HELP!
Throughout
the season, you will hear some names over and over again.
You will hear the names JP, Hilary, Carlton, Eric, Marc and
Scott. These people are paying players. These people are
volunteers.
These people are the key "deciders" for the conference; they
are your board of directors. You have their ears. If
something is on your mind, just find them and nag them. They
will listen. They are players just like you. This
conference will run on volunteer-player power. We need
your help. If you want to have more involvement in how this
conference is run, just find a board member and let them
know you are ready to help.
There are
many ways to help.
- We will
needs squatters
to find patches of grass and camp out and shoo away
softballers, kickballers from other leagues, and vultures.
It's very easy. You just show up super-early, spread out
with a towel and blanket, and refuse to move. Contact Eric
at Eric.Lancaster@verizon.net
if you can squat.
- We still
need people to act as head
umpires. The perks are numerous. For
example, you get to become almost famous in kickball
circles. And you get to tell people what to do. And
sometimes people buy you beers. Contact Marc at MrcEngland@aol.com
if you want to be a head ump. Seriously, it's not as hard as
it looks. It's just kickball. (Also, every team will have to
provide "volunteer" umpires. More on that later.)
- We have
parties to plan. We need a
social committee. Contact Hilary at
hilary_g1@hotmail.com if you have party or venue ideas.
- It's
just kickball -- which means that there is more important
stuff out there. One of those, uh, stuffs, is
charity. Charity
begins at home. And right now, home is the Capital
Conference. So expect to dig deep into your pockets this
season to help our chosen charity, the
Joy of Sports Foundation. We're not just going to be
passing a hat. We are going to make the charity process fun.
So most of our charity events will be social. We might put
together a scavenger hunt, a guest-bartending event, a
bachelor(ette) auction, a pie-eating contest. Who knows? If
you have ideas and want to help, contact Carlton at
carlton@gunney.com.
Umpiring Requirement for Each Team
The
concept is simple: Each team must provide one
umpire each week for the game that precedes or
follows your team's game. So if your team plays the early
game each week, your team needs to get one of its players to
stay behind and help umpire the next game. And if your team
plays the late game, you need to designate one of your
players to show up to help umpire the early game.
Each team's umpire-volunteer will act as a side umpire
stationed at first base or third base. Each team's
umpire-volunteer will help the head umpire call the game.
The work is usually limited to calling people safe or out
and calling balls fair or foul. It's not all that hard, and
it shouldn't be all that stressful. (It's just kickball,
dammit.)
BUT side umpires still need to stay focused on the
game -- making sure runners stay on base until the ball is
kicked and really paying attention to what's going on in the
game. A little sideline socializing is OK when the ball is
not moving. But if a base ump chit-chats excessively
and misses calls, he/she likely will be booed. And
that's no fun.
So don't
get caught off-guard. Have your "volunteer" umpires ready to
go for Week One. If you don't supply an umpire for a game
each week, your record will be penalized. In other words,
one of your wins will count as a forfeit. Or, if you
are the Red Rovers, one of your losses will count as a
forfeit.
Team umpiring assignments are noted in the
This Week's Games section below.
Quirky Rules: This Stuff Is Fresh!
You can
find the official DCKickball rules online at
www.dckickball.org, but be advised that the Capital
Conference in some cases has tweaked the established
DCKickball rules in an effort to clarify the intent of the
rules, to address some what-if scenarios, to make sure the
games finish on time, and to make sure games are engaging
for all players. You can read all of our rules at
http://dckickball.org/capital/DCKickball-Rules-Capital.pdf.
Here are the major quirks:
Quirk No. 1: Strikes and Fouls
Kickers
get three strikes and three fouls.
When you reach three strikes, you are out. When you reach
three fouls, you are out. Fouls and strikes are not
interchangeable, though. A foul is always a foul. Again,
three fouls means you are out, though.
Quirk No. 2: The Pitcher:
The
pitcher must pitch underhanded. AND he/she must be
in contact with the rubber pitching strip at the
beginning of a pitch. (So save your running wind-ups for
cricket or some other sport, pitchers.) Moreover, he/she has
to have both feet behind the pitching strip when the kicker
kicks the ball. The pitcher can step over the strip during
the release of the pitch, but the pitcher must quickly
return both feet behind the strip before the ball is
kicked. Otherwise, it's a ball. These
pitching helps make balls more kickable by making sure the
pitcher does not take a running overhand wind-up.
Quirk No. 3: The Catcher:
He or she
may stand anywhere he/she likes behind (the front edge of)
home plate, so long as he/she remains out of the strike
zone. In other words, the catcher does not have to
play right behind the kicker. Since bunting is
allowed in kickball and since a kickball bunt is still way
more challenging to field than a softball bunt, this quirk
levels the playing field by allowing the catcher to position
him/herself to field an expected bunt. So a catcher can
stand right next to the kicker -- perpendicular to the
kicker. But again, the catcher has to stay clear of the
strike zone until the ball is kicked. Don't get all up in
the kicker's grill.
This Week's Games: The Battles Begin!
NOTE: We
will be playing near the intersection of 17th and
Constitution, NW -- on the Washington Monument side
of the street. As you might expect, we will be setting up
two fields each night. One will be called
Field A. The other will be called Field B. Both of them will
be at/on/near a field designated by the National Park
Service as Ball Field No. 3. You can find a map
of the field at
http://dckickball.org/capital/PermitMap.pdf. Each week,
just head to good ol' No. 3 to find out exactly where you
will be playing.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 3
Got Balls
vs. Thick Femur
6:30 p.m.
Field A
Umps: KB, BNB
Got Balls
is so confident that they don't even need a
question mark in their name. It's not a question. It's a
statement, dammit. They. Got. Balls. (Still, we wonder:
Whose balls? This isn't some updated version of the old "got
yer nose" game, is it? If so, we don't even want to see the
hand puppetry that goes along with that
line.) In any event, it's going to take more than confidence
to knock down Thick Femur. The TFers have been playing
together forever. They really gel. They mousse. They cut,
they color, they style. ... Watch your head.
AA-Team
vs.
DC Detention
6:30 p.m.
Field B
Umps: HfB, AD
We asked
what AA-Team was all about, and this is the only information
they would provide us: "In 2006 a crack commando
unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they
didn't commit. These men and women promptly escaped from a
maximum-security stockade to the Washington, DC,
underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they
survive as alcoholic soldiers of fortune.
If you have need to play kickball -- if no one else can help
-- and if you can stop them from drinking, maybe you can
hire: The AA-Team." We're not so sure we like the idea of
crack commandos running around on the fields. Still, pretty
witty. But then, consider the info we got from DCD: "DC
Detention (the 2006 Capital Conference Crystal Pitcher
Invitational Champions), a team that cares more about
props and drinking than winning, consists
of teachers, engineers, dietitians, U.S. Marines, and
analysts by day; orange-wearing kickballers by night." ...
We had to stop reading right there. Exceptional usage of a
semicolon made us tear up. (A moment
please. ...) This'll be a tough game. Crack commandos
versus teachers and Marines? This is anybody's ball game.
Kick-Ass Ballers
vs. Bad News Barristers
7:15 p.m.
Field A
Umps: GB, TF
We got the
skinny on the Bad News Barristers last week. It seems that
some of them work for the alleged U.S. court system
-- that rumored "third" branch of
government that is supposed to check and/or balance Congress
and the executive branch. OK, BNB. Whatever. Sure. We
believe you. And we also believe that you are going to have
a tough time against the Kick-Ass Ballers this week. Our
sources tell us that at least three of their members used to
be in an Amish boy band renowned for their
high-kicking dance moves ... and for being Amish. (If you
are Amish and you are reading this and you are offended, you
should be ashamed of yourself for using modern technology.)
Here for the Beer
vs. Afternoon Delight
7:15 p.m.
Field B
Umps: AAT, DCD
The
following exchange is based on an actual
conversation that took place at the Ugly Mug. ...
"So what's your team name? ... We are Here For The Beer.
... We are too. ... I don't think so. The team is
full. ... What team is full? ... Here For The Beer.
... I know, but what team is full? ... Our team,
Here for the Beer! ... Our team is here for the beer,
too. ... You can't have two Here For The Beer teams. ...
Isn't everyone here for the beer?" So expect a lot of
confusion with this team. As for Afternoon Delight, we hear
that the team is "stoked" (STOKED!) to be
playing kickball with the Capital Conference this year.
"Stoked" is their word, not ours. We weren't even sure what
it meant. So we looked it up in the dictionary. Turns out
it's a unit of measurement dealing with the
viscosity of a fluid. We can only assume that that
fluid is beer.
THURSDAY, MAY 4
YTBD vs.
Red Rovers
6:30 p.m.
Field A
Umps: SfD, TL
Ugh. Just
when we got used to the acronym "TBD" for "to be
determined," along comes YTBD, forcing us to add the short
but redundant, unnecessary, repetitive and duplicative word
"yet." Frankly, it's just too much for us. And now YTBD is
playing all coy -- pretending that YTBD doesn't really stand
for anything. Well, if that's the case, "YTBD" can stand for
ANYthing -- "Yeti Transvestites Buying Drugs"; "Young
Turks Beaten Down"; "Yankee-Trash Bus Drivers"; Yuppie
Tool-Belt Divas"; "You're Too Big, Daisy." The Rovers,
meanwhile, aren't quite as mysterious. What you see is what
you get. And what you see is a lot of veteran kickballers
who don't care a whole lot about strategy or
"winning" and who have been known to boo their own
players for bunting. That's right. The Rovers are
anti-bunt. And if YTBD bunts on Thursdays, the
Rovers will be anti-YTBD. So don't be surprised if you hear
some (good-natured but somewhat sincere) booing.
Big Kids
vs. Your
Mom's Team
6:30 p.m.
Field B
Umps: RA, LKC
The Big
Kids are so old. (How old are they?!)
They are so old that when they sit around the house, they
really sit around in their own poop. Seriously, these guys
have been kicking around in kickball circles so long that,
if you were to play a kickballer-dating version of the
Kevin Bacon game, you would find yourself
maybe only two or three degrees from people with names
like Pork Chop, Roach, and JP's mom. Still, they are your
elders and you should probably respect them. They've
forgotten more about kickball than most of us will ever
learn. Speaking of moms, Your Mom's Team is no stranger to
kickball. It's also loaded with veterans -- who claim that
they won't share their beer with you at the bar. "We'll make
you want to take your ball and go home
before you even play us," writes an anonymous Mommer. "Who
are we? If you don't know, ask your mom." So we asked
our mom. She said they were just a bunch of
smack-talking accountants.
Seconds from Disaster
vs. Team Lush
7:15 p.m.
Field A
Umps: YTBD, RR
SfD claims
to be a team of "seasoned kickballers" but
readily acknowledges that the secret seasoning is just
common table salt (NaCl). Most of the team comes from
National Geographic. (Cue the "dun dun dun DAAA dun" theme
music now.) We've investigated this team thoroughly and
cross-checked our collection of National Geographics going
back to 1984. We can assure you that no member of the team
has appeared topless in the magazine. (So
far.) As for Team Lush, we can neither confirm nor
deny topless appearances in National Geographic or
any other magazine. This team is wild with a capital "I."
Their motto, though, is that there's no "I" in "team," but
there is an "us" in "Lush." (You'll hear
that a lot this season.)
Recess Appointments
vs. Lunchbox KC
7:15 p.m.
Field B
Umps: BK, YMT
Recess
Appointments. That name makes us think of little kids
carrying around Day-Timers on the blacktop. BUT it also
makes us think of something a president does while Congress
is taking a break. (Perhaps the words we are looking for are
"double entendre.") Clearly Recess Appointments is a
clever team. So watch out. We wouldn't put it past
them to try the old hidden-ball trick.
Speaking of hidden balls, Lunchbox KC is a team loaded with
veteran players who have proven to be fond of public
disrobing following games. They are brazen,
they wear pink, and they historically have
played well -- so it will probably come as no surprise to
you that a couple of years ago, they almost made themselves
personae non grata in their previous league. (i.e.,
They were almost not asked back.) This year, they bring 12
kickball newbies with them. So who knows what kind of team
will emerge as the newbies and the oldies mix? Chances are
it'll be scary on the field or at the
bar. Maybe both.
Other Essential Info
If you
have not tired of reading about your new kickball league and
your new season, don't worry. We have plenty more
information for you. There's a lot to learn and a lot to
know -- no matter whether this is your first time playing
kickball or whether you've been playing for years. Go to
www.dckickball.org/capital to read up on key kickball
rules, safety tips, and procedural matters. If you have a
question, there's likely an answer waiting for you somewhere
on the website. Just start poking around!
Kickball Classifieds
Freebies
FREE
STUFF! Bars, tables, sofa, loveseat, lamps, etc. We have to
empty the house, and the yard sales are done, so we are
starting the Goodwill trips. If there is anything on this
website that you want, e-mail me fast before it's gone.
http://hilarygazzola.homestead.com/ForSale.html
Got something to sell? Need a roommate? Want to confess a
secret crush?
Everybody Scores!
welcomes
your announcements in the Kickball Classifieds.
DCKickballers may submit noncommercial announcements at no
charge. Send announcements to
LSTillett@yahoo.com.
Etc.
If you do
not want to receive e-mail messages and important reminders
from DCKickball and the Capital Conference, you are very
very foolish and will be left in the dark on a lot of
important matters. Regardless, you may log in to your
account at
www.dckickball.org and change your e-mail preferences.
Still, we strongly advise against it.
***Everybody Scores!***
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