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Everybody Scores!
DCKickball
Capital Conference
Week Four-B: June 1,
2006
Inside this issue:
-
Midseason Party News!
- A Power Poll
you won't want to show to your parents
- An "Enhanced"
WEATHER REPORT
- Laughs, tears, and
death threats (the usual)
We would like to extend our best wishes to
the Everybody Scores' usual scribe
ScottPockets, whose misadventures ion
Las Vegas this past weekend have landed him
in a Pepto Bismol focus group for a few
days. The following is written by JP and a
number of anonymous contributors who don't
want to be blamed for JP's miserable writing
style.
On ha we wor o kick gam thi
we!
This week is the second of the
crossover weeks we have planned,
and thanks to the lack of
rainouts, that means HALF of the
division will be sitting back
and eating bon-bons while the
rest of us toil and boil in the
summer heat. All the games that
count in the standings will be
taking place on THURSDAY NIGHT.
See below for further details,
as usual.
However, keep in mind, that just
because you're off from
kickball, you can still join in
the fun at the Ugly Mug, Hope to
see you there!
Bottoms
Up!
The Capital Conference Board of
Directors is pleased to
Announce... the First Annual
Capital Conference EXPLORATION
OF FEELINGS
AND CANDLE-MAKING PARTY (aka
the MIDSEASON EXTRAVAGANZA) will
take place on SATURDAY, JUNE 24
(please note
new
date) at UNION PUB.
Union Pub is located at 201
Massachusetts Avenue NE, a
short walk from Union Station
and very easy to get to.
There will be laughs! There will
be dancing! There will be
spilled alcohol! There will be a
line for the men's room! It's
gonna be a great night, you
won't want to miss it. Look for
more details coming soon.
Map to Union Pub:
http://tinyurl.com/p2yqo
Results from Last Week
YTBD 3, Thick
Femur 1
AA-Team 2,
Recess Appts. 1
Seconds from Disaster 1,
Got Balls 0
Lunchbox KC 3,
Bad News Barristers 2
Big Kids 2,
YTBD 1
Seconds from Disaster
6,
Recess Appts. 3
Lunchbox KC 6,
Team Lush 2
Your Mom's Team 4,
Red Rovers 0
Weather Report
This week's Weather
Report been compiled by Special
Correspondent Shorty J, aka Yo
Mama's Weather Girl. ...
Hey kickballers, this is Yo Mama's
Weather Girl with this week's
forecast!
Before I give you your forecast, I
thought I'd offer some tips for
staying cool in the random late
Spring heat wave we're having!
Tip #1: Channel Frank the
Tank, go streaking! Everyone is
doing it! Hey honey, do you think
KFC is still open?
Tip #2: Go to 7-Eleven and
get your first Slurpee of the
Summer! I love brain freezes!
Tip #3: Or better yet, I
highly recommend going to RFK for a
nice little Nationals game and get a
large Dippin Dots every other
inning!
Okay enough talk! There are no
Wednesday games so the forecast will
only offer Thursday's weather.
Thursday
- A low of 70 degrees, a high of 84
degrees. Partly cloudy, 20 percent
chance of rain. Maximum humidity 69%
Projected sunset: 8:27pm.
NOTE: Your
board of directors will post rainout notices
on the
website by 5 p.m. on game days.
If you check the site and there's no notice
of a rainout, that means that the GAMES ARE
ON! So head to the fields and weather be
damned! And even if the weather IS ugly,
remember that we always still go to
the bar no matter what.
This Week's Games!
Where do we play? You
can find a map of the
fields at
http://dckickball.org/capital/PermitMap.pdf.
Each week, just head to good ol' No. 3 to
find out exactly where you will be
playing. The wagering line has been drawn by
Capital's very own BOOKIE -- JP. (Please, no
actual wagers. Lines are for entertainment
purposes only.) Pickers again this week are
"Lawn Mower Man" Eric L.,
and Hilary
"HardCore" G. ScottPockets is under the weather this week
and will be back to his usual game- and
nose-picking self next week.
All games this week will take place on
THURSDAY, JUNE 1
DC Detention vs.
Your Mom's Team
(pick 'em)
6:30 PM
Field A
Umps: Here for
the Beer, Big Kids
Your Mom's Team has been
trash talking DCD for months leading up to
this game. Both teams requested this game
early on on the schedule-making process. It
might have something to do with the fact
that the teams have a great deal of
familiarity with each other; it might have
something to do with DCD's AMY's jello shot
recipe. But we at ES like to make stuff up,
so we're going to say it has to do with each
team thinking they have nicer butts than the
other one. And we ain't talking cigarettes!
LM: YMT
HC: YMT
Afternoon Delight (-1) vs.
Team Lush
6:30 PM
Field B
Umps: Kickass
Ballers, Red Rovers
We asked Afternoon Delight's
STEVE about where their inspired play has
come from this season. He said it had to do
with the team's shirt color. "We channel the
energy of Limor, the god of limes. Our play
is a metaphoric squirting of citrus juice
into our opponents' eyes in His name." Okay
then. Lush is, as we speak, looking up to
see if there are any gods of grapes or
blueberries they can channel. Instead,
they'll just drink a lot of wine and have
the last players in the bar at the end of
the night again.
LM: AD
HC: TL
Here for the Beer
vs. Big Kids
(-5)
7:15 PM
Field A
Umps: DC
Detention, Your Mom's Team
The Big Kids' JILL is mighty
angry going into this week. Turns out her
boyfriend's team's name (from another
league) is also Here for the
Beer and she is angrily looking to take her
frustrations out on this week's opponents.
As of press time, we're still investigating
whether (a) her boyfriend might actually
play for THIS version of Here for the Beer
(she's not really sure), or (b) her
boyfriend's team's name is actually "Here on
the Pier" and they play over at Tony and
Joe's.
LM: H4B
HC: BK
Kickass Ballers
(-4) vs. Red Rovers
7:15 PM
Field B
Umps: Afternoon
Delight, Team Lush
KAB sure seems to have dropped
off of the radar screen lately, and we're
trying to decide if it's because they
haven't played a game in three weeks or
because they have clearly demonstrated a
preference for dominating the flip cup table
and they've been distracted. The Rovers
happen to think it has something to do with
the fact that most of KAB went to Cornell.
Cornell's nickname? The Big Red. The Red
Rovers' color? Red. Do the math. Or the art.
Hell, we have no idea what we're talking
about anymore.
LM: KAB
HC: KAB
The Power Poll
The Power Poll
means absolutely nothing. Don't take it
seriously. If you take it seriously, you
may be forced to watch an endless loop
of "The Breakup" for the rest of the
season.
You have no doubt heard about
the hazing scandal that has
hounded the Northwestern
University's women's lacrosse
team over the last few weeks.
Turns out that the pictures were
exposed to the world on the Web
site badjocks.com, which
catalogs athletes' hazing,
incidents, indictments,
accidents, and predicaments
purely for amusement. Thanks to
a special ANONYMOUS GUEST
COMMENTATOR, we wonder... which
of these wacky stories would
match up best with our kickball
friends?
Note- these are all based on
actual athletic misbehavior
stories, then embellished a bit.
We wouldn't dare make some of
this stuff up!
1. Big Kids - Kickball
Recruit Caught With Marijuana in
His Car, Cocaine in His Butt.
The recruit did not sign with
the Big Kids but went to Penn
State instead.
2. Yet to be Determined -
Female kickball player arrested
for beating up WAKA
players?someone had to do it
this year!
3. Lunchbox KC - Man in
pink shirt arrested for DUI . .
. in Lawnmower. The funny thing
is that the cops could not catch
them and the lawnmower
eventually ran out of gas on
I-395.
4. Your Mom's Team - One
of the co-captains is accused of
slapping opposing player during
post game sportsmanship
handshake - the co-captain did
not know that they were in line
with the softball players from
the other field.
5. DC Detention - DC
Kickball officials investigating
pictures of naked men with hats
over their genitals after
tipster claims he allegedly
found kickball team photos
online?rumor has it that they
were very small hats.
6. AA-Team - How many
runs would this team score
without the *alleged* assistance
of steroids? If there is an
asterisk next to their name in
the standings, we all know why.
7. Kick-Ass Ballers -
eBay suspends the auction for
the Kick-Ass Ballers dolls -why,
do you ask? It seems that the
dolls were actually "New Kids on
the Block" dolls from the '90s
with 2006 kickball shirts on
them. They actually sold one.
8. Thick Femur - Team
Initiation Includes Pictures of
Bondage, Lap Dances, and
Simulated Sex Acts...all with a
bone.
9. Afternoon Delight -
Players issue written apology
but we are not sure what they
did.
10. Seconds from Disaster
- They really do not do anything
bad. They just write on people's
faces. The bad thing is that
when they are done, they all
look like Red Rovers.
11. Team Lush - A current
Team Lush player gets drunk
breaks into funeral home, falls
asleep in coffin.
12. Here for the Beer -
Their hazing ritual: they shave
all the guys heads like a monk,
wearing nothing but women's
panties with a half-empty 40
ouncer duct taped to their
hand...doesn't every team do
this?
13. Bad News Barristers -
They get in just as much trouble
as the rest of us, but they're
all lawyers. So they never got
charged.
14. Red Rovers - All of
the players played soccer at
Northwestern- enough said!
15. Got Balls - The
captain of the team tells
players "Improve our record and
win a dinner date with me!" This
is truly a new form of
punishment!
16. Recess Appointments -
Team streaker arrested before he
can collect $20 bet?dude, ALWAYS
get the money first!!
Kickball Classifieds
Got something to sell? Need a roommate? Want
to confess a secret crush?
Everybody Scores!
welcomes your announcements in the Kickball
Classifieds. DCKickballers may submit
noncommercial announcements at no charge.
Send announcements to
LSTillett@yahoo.com.
Etc.
Everybody Scores! wants your
funny photos and
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to
LSTillett@yahoo.com.
Also keep in mind that you can add
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www.flickr.com,
tagging them with "dckickball" or "dckickball-capital."
(Your captains should know all the ins and
outs of adding DCKickball photos on Flickr.
Ask them or ask us if you are not sure how
to go about it.)
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***
This week's
Everybody Scores!
has been brought to you by ...
Your Capital
Conference Board of Directors after watching
a few too many episodes of Sesame Street. Don't believe anything you
have read in this newsletter. It is loaded
with fabrications, embellishments, and
dangling participles.
***Everybody Scores!***
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