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Everybody Scores!
DCKickball
Capital Conference
Week Five: June 7-8, 2006
Inside this issue:
- Call for PHOTOS
- A Family-friendly
POWER POLL
- A Tornadic WEATHER
REPORT
- Plus Car Chases,
Gunfights, and a HOLLYWOOD Ending!
Is It an Emergency?
It's rare that bad things
happen on the field. A
humiliating loss is about as
bad as it gets in kickball.
But occasionally a player
gets banged up and needs to
stop by the noggin doctor
for a quick check-up -- in
which case someone else on
the team might call Player
X's mommy or daddy or
girlfriend or roommate to
let them know what's up. But
be advised that DCKickball
does NOT maintain
emergency-contact
information for players.
It's up to each
individual team to establish
its own emergency-contact
protocols. So if
you think your team needs an
emergency-contact list,
let your captain know.
Got Photos?
Everybody Scores!
wants your funny
photos. (We
desperately need them.
Just look how lame this
week's photos are!
We
know you are taking
snaps,
so send them in! Post
them! Get them out
there!)
Send contributions to
LSTillett@yahoo.com.
Also keep in mind that
you can add
photos at
www.flickr.com,
tagging them with "dckickball"
or "dckickball-capital."
(Your captains should
know all the ins and
outs of adding
DCKickball photos on
Flickr. Ask them or ask
us if you are not sure
how to go about it.)
A rainbow of kickball
colors.
Results from Last Week
DC Detention
2,
Your Mom's Team 2
Team Lush
(forfeit) over
Afternoon Delight
Kick-Ass Ballers
1,
Red Rovers 0
Big Kids 1,
Here for the Beer
0
Weather Report
This week's Weather
Report been compiled by Special
Correspondent Shorty J, aka Yo
Mama's Weather Girl. ...
A certain
U.S. president toured parts of
Missouri that were devastated by
a recent tornado. There was one
awkward moment when the
president looked at the tornado
damage and said, "Don't worry.
We're going to get whoever
did this." Wow. And if you think
that's true, do we have one
doozie of a weather report for
you!
Wednesday
-- A low of 67 degrees and a
high of
76 degrees.
Scattered thunderstorms
(40-percent chance). Maximum
humidity: 69 percent. Projected
sunset: 8:31 p.m.
Thursday --
A low of 63 degrees and a high
of
82 degrees.
Scattered thunderstorms
(30-percent chance). Maximum
humidity: 65 percent. Projected
sunset: 8:32 p.m.
NOTE: Your
board of directors will post rainout notices
on the
website by 5 p.m. on game days.
If you check the site and there's no notice
of a rainout, that means that the GAMES ARE
ON! So head to the fields and weather be
damned! And even if the weather IS ugly,
remember that we always still go to
the bar no matter what.
I like to move it,
move it.
This Week's Games!
Where do we play? You
can find a map of the
fields at
http://dckickball.org/capital/PermitMap.pdf.
Each week, just head to good ol' No. 3 to
find out exactly where you will be
playing. The wagering line has been drawn by
Capital's very own BOOKIE -- JP. (Please, no
actual wagers. Lines, which have been
formulated by JP Himself, are
for entertainment purposes only.) Pickers
again this week are "Lawn Mower Man"
Eric L., Hilary "HardCore"
G., and "ScottPockets."
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7
Here for the Beer
vs.
Bad
News Barristers (pick 'em)
6:30 p.m.
Field A
Umps: GB, DCD
The two teams with
the two cleverest names
in the conference square off against one
another in this early-evening brawl.
Besides that, there's not a lot to say
about this match-up -- and there's no
clear favorite here, either. We picked
HftB simply because we're secretly here
for the beer, too. ... (Secretly.)
LMM: HftB
HC: HftB
SP: HftB
AA-Team vs.
Thick Femur (-3)
6:30 p.m.
Field B
Umps: KB, AD
Hannibal Smith meets
Hannibal Lecter in this gray-black match-up.
And Wesley Snipes in "Passenger 57" says to
always bet on black. That
sounds like a safe bet for this game. For
AA-Team to win, one hell of a
plan will REALLY need to come together this
week.
LMM: TF
HC: TF
SP: TF
Got Balls vs.
DC Detention (-5)
Field A
Umps: HftB, BNB
If you got balls, use 'em!
That's what we always say. And Got Balls has
got 'em. But with an 0-and-4 record, Got
Balls doesn't appear to be using 'em. Take
heart, however. GB is merely a
sleeping giant. And when they awake
from their slumber, they will stomp their
rivals flat. The trick is waking up. And if
you've ever partied with DCD, you know it's
hard to sleep when the Orange Ones are
around. Wakey, wakey, GB! You just might be
up all night.
LMM: GB
Kick-Ass Ballers (-3) vs.
Afternoon Delight
7:15 p.m.
Field B
Umps: AAT, TF
Speaking of up
all night, there once was a show on
the USA Network called "Up All
Night." It was hosted by the
buxom blonde with a
ginormous ... smile. ... Gosh, we
loved that show. ... Oh, yeah. What
were we talking about? Kickball or
something? ... What about it?
LMM: KB
The beer ain't here.
THURSDAY, JUNE 8
Big Kids
(-2) vs.
Team
Lush
6:30 p.m.
Field A
Umps: RA, RR
There's an easy way to
settle this ages-old rivalry: Each team has
a "tall guy." So just let the tall guys
fight each other mano a mano on the
pitcher's mound. Of course, to make things
more interesting, we could blindfold the
tall guys, arm them with machetes, and
have each of them be "jockeyed" by
the shortest woman on each team -- who would
straddle the shoulders of each tall dude
like knights bestride their steeds. Oh, the
fun! ... Seriously, why are we even playing
kickball? Chicken-fighting has soooo much
more potential.
LMM: BK
Seconds from Disaster vs.
Your Mom's Team (-4)
6:30 p.m.
Field B
Umps: YTBD, LKC
We hear that the umpires
for this game have difficulty distinguishing
one shade of yellow from another (which is
precisely why they were chosen). So expect a
lot of confusion during this game -- with
runners, fielders, and base coaches all
lookin' yella. Maybe it's time we adopted
away uniforms.
Recess Appointments
vs.
Red Rovers
(pick 'em)
7:15 p.m.
Field A
Umps: BK, TL
Two of the conferences
three winless teams face off in this
match-up. So someone should lose their
innocence this week and raise one hell of a
victory ruckus at the bar. The Rovers have
the experience. The
Appointments have the spunk.
So chances are it'll end in a tie. Boo!
Yet To Be Determined vs.
Lunchbox KC (-2)
7:15 p.m.
Field B
Umps: SfD, YMT
These teams are like
a poot after Indian food: strong
and silent. Expect an intense
game when YTBD and LKC go at each
other this week. We'll certainly be
holding our breath -- mainly because we
had Indian food for lunch.
LMM: YTBD
HC: LKC
SP: LKC
The Power Poll
The Power Poll
means absolutely nothing. Don't take it
seriously. If you take it seriously, you
will be forced to snakesit for the
creepy snake guy who lives in the
apartment below us.
No good
Power Poll idea goes
unbastardized. In the
shadows of The Simpsons
Cavalcade of College
Football (located
here), we present the
FAMILY GUY CAVALCADE OF
CAPITAL KICKBALL.
1. Big
Kids --
FRANCIS GRIFFIN (Peter's
Dad). Yeah, OK, they're old,
we get it. But (bonus)
they're also grumpy.
2.
Lunchbox KC --
STEWIE GRIFFIN. Evil
geniuses, and always
stirring up trouble where
they can find it.
3.
Yet To Be Determined --
LOIS GRIFFIN. Maybe they fly
under the radar, but when
pressed, they display
amazing skills no one knew
they had.
4.
Your Mom's Team --
BRIAN GRIFFIN. Smarter than
most teams, well aware of
it, and they're scared to
death of vacuum cleaners.
5.
DC Detention --
QUAGMIRE. They have a lot of
fun, and they also take a
billion photos to save for
later. GIGGITY GIGGITY.
6.
Kick-Ass Ballers
-- DIANE SIMMONS
(the TV anchor). Kind of
hanging back, along for the
ride, and people are always
trying to trick them out of
their clothes.
7.
AA-Team
-- CHRIS
GRIFFIN. An unassuming
exterior gives no indication
of the talent beneath. With
Chris, it's art. With
AA-Team, it's flip-cup.
8. Thick Femur --
DEATH. Always get their way
-- by brute force, clever
negotiation, or a touch of a
bony finger.
9.
Team Lush--
MAYOR ADAM WEST. They're in
charge, they really are, but
they often seem to be off in
their own little world.
10.
Afternoon Delight--
LORETTA BROWN. Puts up a
hell of a fight when they
come around, but lately,
that's not really often.
11.
Here for the Beer
-- PETER
GRIFFIN. Full of big ideas
and enthusiasm, they drink
heavily, and the kids from
South Park make fun of them.
12.
Seconds from Disaster --
THE GREASED-UP DEAF GUY. No
one has any idea what in the
world they're thinking, or
what the method is to their
madness.
13.
Bad News Barristers
-- THE GIANT CHICKEN THAT
GOT IN A FIGHT WITH PETER
OVER Y2K. Just because we
wanted to make sure the
chicken got mentioned.
14.
Red Rovers
-- CLEVELAND BROWN.
They just kinda go along at
their own pace and go out of
their way not to bother
anyone.
15.
Recess
Appointments
-- MORT GOLDMAN.
Anxious to play a bigger
role, and completely in
control of everyone's
prescriptions.
16.
Got
Balls --
MEG GRIFFIN. Ignored for the
most part, but when given
the chance to shine, they
become rock stars.
Kickball Classifieds
Got something to sell? Need a roommate? Want
to confess a secret crush?
Everybody Scores!
welcomes your announcements in the Kickball
Classifieds. DCKickballers may submit
noncommercial announcements at no charge.
Send announcements to
LSTillett@yahoo.com.
Etc.
If you do not
want to receive e-mail messages
and important reminders from DCKickball and
the Capital Conference, you are very very
foolish and will be left in the dark on a
lot of important matters. Regardless, you
may log in to your account
at
www.dckickball.org
and change your e-mail preferences. Still,
we strongly advise against it.
***
This week's
Everybody Scores!
has been brought to you by ...
Your Capital
Conference Board of Directors and one or
two hot interns. Don't believe anything you
have read in this newsletter. It is loaded
with fabrications, embellishments, and
dangling participles.
***Everybody Scores!***
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