Capital Conference Kickball - New League, New Division, Same Attitude.

Everybody Scored!

DCKickball

Capital Conference

Season Recap: Summer 2006

Find photos and other goodies at http://dckickball.org/capital/summer06.htm.

Inside this issue:

- Call for PHOTOS

- The GOOD, The Bad, The Ugly
- Month-by-Month RETROSPECTIVE

- Off-season FUN in the WATER

- Plus Mad Props

Score!

At the beginning of the season, we told you that "playing kickball is its own reward, and if you're truly having fun (whether on the field, at the bar, or wherever you end up afterward), you can say with confidence that you have scored!" Well, it looks like EVERYBODY SCORED this season -- except for that one guy on the blue team.

So let's savor the flavor of a joyous season for just a little bit longer.

Sure, the fall season of the Capital Conference is already gearing up, and we encourage you to come out to the fields to cheer on your friends and acquaintances and then head over to the fall sponsor bar (McFadden's) for merry-making. (Details at www.dckickball.org/capital.) But we like to think of fall kickball as sort of like pre-season football. It's watchable, but it's really just a long preamble to the real action -- SUMMER KICKBALL.

This special edition of Everybody Scores! revisits some of the highlights from our recently ended season. Savor them. They'll have to last you for the next kickball-less nine months -- just long enough for you to spit out a kid and put him in day-care before the start of the Summer 2007 season.

Post Your Photos

A quick reminder: If you took photos during the season -- on the fields, at the Ugly Mug, at one of the mega-parties, or elsewhere -- please post them to www.flickr.com. Tag them with "dckickball" or "dckickball-capital" and they should show up for all to see. Don't be a photo hog. Share.

Good, Bad, Ugly

U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! Etc. Etc. Our point is that the season had its good, its bad, and its ugly. Here are the good/bad/ugly highlights as we remember them. ...

The Good: Guaranteed fields every week.

The Bad: Injuries from errant softballs.

The Ugly: Softballers.

The Good: Cheap/free conference parties.

The Bad: Getting sick at a party.

The Ugly: Twice.

The Good: Making out with a girl at the party.

The Bad: Seeing her make out with another guy soon thereafter.

The Ugly: Hearing that she got sick earlier at the party ... twice.

The Good: Sliding into home for the win.

The Bad: Gaping wounds from the grass burns.

The Ugly: Turns out you didn't need to slide after all.

The Good: Nice weather and an easy potential match-up.

The Bad: The other team doesn't have enough players.

The Ugly: You play anyway ... and they still kick your &ss.

The Good: Lush grass.

The Bad: Giant sprinklers to keep the grass lush.

The Ugly: Not noticing the giant sprinklers as you walk to the field.

With extra sprinkles.

The Good: Making it safely to third.

The Bad: Realizing you forgot to tag second.

The Ugly: Being told that your team's not even up to kick yet.

The Good: Finally washing your smelly red kickball T-shirt.

The Bad: Pulling pink briefs out of the washer.

The Ugly: Realizing that your red T-shirt wasn't even in the same load.

The Good: Finding out where the nearest bathroom is.

The Bad: You have to run 300 yards to get there.

The Ugly: All combined, your entire team hasn't done that much running in four seasons.

The Good: Winning the Capital Conference's People's Cup.

The Bad: Finding out that "Capital" and "People's" are misspelled on the trophy.

The Ugly: None. You just won a frikkin' championship dammit!

Oh, the apostrophe!

The Good: Colorful popsicles help keep you cool on the sidelines.

The Bad: Your tongue is green.

The Ugly: Your tongue now matches your teeth.

The Good: Your catcher can play beside the kicker to defend against the bunt.

The Bad: The other team doesn't bunt.

The Ugly: Your sissy-&ss team does.

The Good: The player from the other team who buys you a drink.

The Bad: The drink must be consumed from a pig's butt.

The Ugly: It's not inflatable.

The Good: You finally have a chance to make an amazing fly-ball catch.

The Bad: You botch it, fall in a mud puddle, and the ball careens onto Constitution Avenue.

The Ugly: You look up to see JP taking notes.

The Good: Five solid days of rain end just in time for kickball night.

The Bad: The Mall is closed anyway; no games this week

The Ugly: A solitary night in your flooded-out basement apartment.

The Good: Ball!

The Bad: Foul!

The Ugly: Whaddaya mean there are only three now?!

The Good: Bare midriffs and garter belts.

The Bad: Worn by guys.

The Ugly: While drinking.

Let the good times 'fro!

Props!

Several teams made kickball fun this season by bringing props -- everything from inflatable swine (Team Lush) to frilly skirts (Seconds from Disaster) to team flags (Red Rovers, et al.) to plastic bones (Thick Femur). But some teams blatantly lacked props -- or made poor use of the props they did have. And there's no excuse for that. Next year, we expect good props from the following teams. If they lack ideas, here are a few to get them started:

Big Kids: Powdered wigs. (Most own them already.)

DC Detention: Head-mounted cameras. (To catch the action no matter when/where it happens.)

Bad News Barristers : Gavels.

Lunchbox KC: Lunchboxes. (Duh.)

Your Mom's Team: Maternity clothes. (Your mom wears elastic-waistband pants.)

YTBD: Clip-on player ID badges. (For security purposes.)

AA-Team: Mohawks, gold chains, cigars, mad dogs, etc.

Kick-Ass Ballers: Fake plastic butts. (Unless their real ones are already big.)

Afternoon Delight: Parasols.

Here for the Beer: Cup-holder helmets.

Recess Appointments: Professional double-dutchers.

Got Balls: Eunuchs.

Props for the flag.

Month by Month: A Retrospective

The successful inaugural season that you just suffered through did not just materialize out of thin air. Creation of the new league and its affiliation with DCKickball began many months ago. From the time the decision to form a league was made until the time the last player left RFD at the end-of-season party, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. But in contrast, there were many more smiles, laughs, and good times had. Here's a (somewhat satirical) month-by-month look at how the league and the season unfolded.

JANUARY

Would-be leaders of new league contact DCKickball and also meet in Ashburn to discuss ideas. Meeting takes place in a house with snow on the ground. Snowball fight ensues. Another recreational-sports organization sues for unauthorized use of balls.

FEBRUARY

Organizing well under way. Many athletes express delight at prospect of playing in a new league.

Capital leaders assess options for bars, fields, sponsors, and more.

Ugly Mug determined to be sponsor bar. Another recreational-sports organization sues on behalf of ugly people everywhere.

But seriously, three days before registration is to begin, another kickball organization actually sues DCKickball. (Seriously.) Claims timing is a coincidence.

After getting advice from a lawyer, DCKickball opens registration.

Pretty mug at the Ugly Mug.

MARCH

City Paper article on kickball lawsuit runs on March 2.

Registration progresses well. Nine experienced teams and four combo teams are formed in the first two weeks. Two teams, Stifler's Mom and Tainted Love, merge to form a single team called Stifler's Taint. Greatest name in kickball history later elects to play in Adams Morgan.

Capital Conference website goes live.

APRIL

Capital Meet Market Happy Hour is a resounding success. Seconds from Disaster captains give a preview of the upcoming season by wearing funny hats.

Means Plus Function merges with Afternoon Delight. Disgusted Means Plus Function players pre-forfeit half their games.

Several registered groups merge and form a team with no name. Temporary name "Yet to be Determined" is applied.

Team colors are determined. Four teams ask for Carolina Blue. Here for the Beer gets it first. Four teams end up wearing blue, and AA-Team picks a bluish gray.

Shades of blue.

Capital board spends most of the second half of the month discussing foul balls, whether to call game officials "umps" or "refs," and just where the hell the catcher is supposed to stand. More than 150 emails in eight days address the issue; mail servers crash all over the DC Metro area.

Schedule is made. Thick Femur and DC Detention pass out from excitement. Another recreational-sports organization sues, claiming they invented passing out.

Captains meeting takes place, concluded by a two-hour argument over where the catcher should stand.

MAY

Pre-season Crystal Pitcher Invitational takes place. Big Kids lose to DC Detention and the Red Rovers. That would become familiar to the Big Kids later in the season.

Pre-season party. Conference earns the nickname "90 in 90" for consuming 90 pitchers in 90 minutes.

Pre-season party people.

The Season Begins. Thursday-night games dangerously close to not taking place because of a lack of kickballs. AA-Team registers the first of what would be many complaints about the amount of space to play flip-cup. Sparky nearly makes division president cry by playing "Living on a Prayer."

Week Two. First games of the season rained out when a Thursday deluge soaks the DC area. Kick-Ass Ballers defeat Thick Femur in co-upset of the year. Bad News Barristers take approximately 13,000 photos of their postgame revelry.

Bad news.

Week Three. Wednesday games played in cold and rainbows. Seconds from Disaster cause a kickball to explode, though not with a pirate sword. A rival recreational-sports organization sues. Thick Femur's Carlton's famous bone is kidnapped, and photographic evidence appears on Web site. Another recreational-sports organization sues; claim they invented photographs.

Week Four. Rained-out games from Week Two are made up. Some teams play games on consecutive nights; league has huge concern over hygiene of Lunchbox KC's T-shirts. YTBD shocks league by beating Thick Femur. Big Kids captain who officiated the game calls every man on his team, begging them to show up for the next day's game. They do, and they win. Thick Femur would never lose again all season.

YTBD? Why not?

JUNE

Week Four-B. DC Detention and Your Mom's Team play game-of-the-year-worthy 2-2 tie. Big Kids commit play-of-the-year-worthy relay throw in to nail a Here for the Beer runner just short of home plate. Afternoon Delight, struggling to make a roster all year, forced to forfeit.

Week Five. First appearance of many by giant sprinklers on the mall. DCKickball fields unaffected. Lunchbox KC and YTBD play game-of-the-year-worthy 1-0 LKC win. Recess Appointments earn first-ever win. DC Detention's ladies make headlines on the field and at the bar. Flip-cup rivalry between Here for the Beer and DC Detention rears its ugly head for the first time.

Week Six. Further evidence of Carlton's missing bone appears online. Another recreational-sports organization sues, claiming they invented bones. Bad News Barristers make play-of-the-year-worthy double ricochet fly-ball catch. Lack of competitive games on the field leads to flip-cup room arguments. Afternoon Delight play ring-around-the-rosies. Big Kids beat Lunchbox KC to take first place, where they would sit for the rest of the season. Massive three-team dance-off at the Ugly Mug. The most newsworthy event of the season takes place in Ugly Mug back room.

Boneless.

Week Seven. Red Rovers break 20-game losing streak with win over DC Detention. Post-game celebration earns them the nickname around the league of "Rude Rovers." Another recreational-sports league promptly sues. Got Balls earn a tie, meaning no team in the league will go completely winless. CBS crew tapes segments of kickball games for "Early Show" segment.

15 minutes of fame.

Mid-Season Party. Drunken kickballers take over Union Pub. General consensus is that Here for the Beer won the "You Clean Up Good" award. Rowdy cup flippers annoy neighbors and force Union Pub to close outdoor patio earlier than originally scheduled. Unnamed player "decorates" ladies room floor. Another recreational-sports league sues, claim they invented ladies.

Mid-season madness.

JULY

Capital takes two weeks off. One was scheduled, the other caused by massive, massive rains and flooding in DC area. Kickballers seen walking two by two toward giant boat in Crystal City.

Rained out? Play charades.

Week Eight: Rivalry Week. Kickball resumes -- kinda. Wednesday games are canceled by storms. YTBD and Seconds from Disaster play game-of-the-year-worthy 5-4 YTBD win punctuated by a last-inning comeback. Red Rovers and Team Lush play game-of-the-year worthy 5-5 tie. Your Mom's Team wallops Lunchbox KC in a much-anticipated Thursday match-up highlighted by play-of-the-year worthy blind over-the-shoulder flip by JJ into the infield. Big Kids clinch first place and top seed for the playoffs.

Week Nine. Some Wednesday teams play their first games in nearly a month. Red Rovers defeat unbeaten Big Kids in co-upset of the year. (See Week Two.) Kick-Ass Ballers and Got Balls play double forfeit.

Playoffs: Round One. Higher seeds win every first round game, except for Bad News Barristers' upset of Kick-Ass Ballers. Your Mom's Team avoids mass cardiac arrest with last-kick win over Here for the Beer. Team Lush get their second-ever playoff win by edging Red Rovers in 1-0 nail-biter. Rovers make play-of-the-year-worthy ricochet fly-ball catch. Team Lush's Kelisa dances on the Ugly Mug bar.

Capital leaders decide to name division trophy "The People's Cup." Another recreational-sports league sues, claiming that the existence of a trophy named in honor of players (the people) has caused emotional pain and distress.

AUGUST

Playoffs: Round Two. Games played in triple-digit heat. Jell-O shots unable to congeal. Higher seeds win every game, except for DC Detention's upset of Big Kids. Your Mom's Team and Bad News Barristers play game-of-the-year worthy 3-2, six-inning YMT squeaker. YMT co-captain Marc collapses from the pressure.

Cuppage

Super Saturday. Lunchbox KC avenge earlier drubbing by Your Mom's Team and win game-of-the-year-worthy semifinal. Thick Femur earns second straight playoff shutout by beating DC Detention to advance to the final. Final game is 0-0 going into the fifth inning when Femur's Zippy belts a bases-loaded, two-out double to push three runs across. Femur wins their second-ever adult kickball title, the first in 2000.

Pig+Bone=Hambone

End-of-Season Party. Thick Femur arrives at Hollywood Nights extravaganza in Hummer limousine. Stars Owen Wilson, Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise, Sebastian Janikowski, and Beyonce make appearances. RFD's air-conditioning works. DC Detention deservedly wins Crystal Picher Award. Curtain rolls down, band packs up. It's been a marvelous season of kickball. Good night everybody!

Rafting, Anyone?

There's a quasi-Kickball White-Water Rafting Trip in the making. The trip will take place Sept. 7,8,9 & 10 at the Upper or Lower Youghiogheny River in Ohiopyle, Penn. (This is not an official DCKickball event, but you can expect to see many kickballers there.)

Details: After an already shortened Labor Day week, take Thursday afternoon off (or leave after work) and drive to Tall Oaks Campground in Ohiopyle, Penn. -- about 190 miles from D.C.

Once you get there, you will set up tents (cabins are available for the faint of heart), cook, eat, make merry, etc.

On Friday morning, you'll go white-water rafting. Then, on Friday night, you'll get your grub on at the campground potluck dinner. Saturday is set aside for volleyball and general merriment. Then comes Sunday and it's time to head home. For more information, check out the following website. http://www.diblasifamily.org/raft/

***

This special edition of Everybody Scores! has been brought to you by ...

Your Capital Conference Board of Directors and a deck of dirty tarot cards -- but mostly by JP and Scott. (Offended? Outraged? Send complaints to JP at john@ctam.com. Amused? Enlightened? Send accolades to Scott at LSTillett@yahoo.com.

Don't believe anything you have read in this newsletter. It is loaded with fabrications, embellishments, and trans fats.

***Everybody Scored!***